“Boomer” Winfrey

Varmint County Correspondent

The latest news from Varmint County involves Toony Pyles, our representative down at the state legislature, and Pleasant View, the little town at the far end of Varmint County, on the upper end of Mud Lake. 

You may recall Pleasant View from other columns I’ve written. It is the former coal mining town once known as Black Diamond. When the Army Corps built Mud Creek Dam shortly after the end of World War II, the city fathers of Black Diamond decided to change their image, since they were going to be situated on a hill overlooking a brand new lake.

They lobbied the state legislature to re-name the burg “Pleasant View,” expecting to attract many tourists, fishermen and sunbathers from northern states and big cities.

Unfortunately, nobody took into account the fact that the Army Corps draws down its lake every September to prepare for possible winter rain and snow and provide flood control downstream, and the fact that Pleasant View is on the upper end of said lake.

Pleasant View does have a pleasant view, from June until early September. The rest of the time, the town looks out over a vast mud flat covering several thousand acres.

Pleasant View is also the town of the Five “Bucks.” At one time recently, every member of the city council except one, including the mayor, was nicknamed “Buck.” It made for some entertaining council meetings: 

Mayor: “Buck, you’re out of order. There’s a motion on the floor.”

Councilman Billy “Buck” Wilkins: “Mayor, I didn’t say nuthin.”

Mayor: “Not you Buck. Buck.”

Councilman Orville “Buck” Huggins: “Which Buck you talking about, Mayor?”

Mayor: “Not you Buck, you made the motion.”

City Recorder: “Which Buck made the motion?”

And so on. You get the picture.

Well, the latest news from Pleasant View had the whole town in an uproar last fall, and has provided plenty of entertainment for the rest of Varmint County.

It happened at the October council meeting, fittingly right before Halloween, when the Reverend Doctor Paul Roy Prudhome attended the meeting with his business partner, Chief Oscar Running Wolf Who Howls Little Creek, of the Marigassett Band of the Choctaw Nation.

Reverend Doctor Paul Roy and Chief Oscar had a vision, to create a massive theme park on the shores of Mud Lake that would at the same time “recognize the sacrifices of Native Americans and the impact of the Word of God on America.”

The Reverend and the Chief had, they announced, recruited a number of investors who would pour money into this theme park if the right angle could be found to attract visitors far and wide.

Chief Oscar planned to build a series of attractions around the theme of the Cherokee Trail of Tears, since their path to distant Oklahoma took those sad victims of white man’s greed across Mud Creek near present-day Pleasant View. Reverend Paul Roy envisioned a “Stations of the Cross” riding trail. There would be a small fee charged for donkey rental, which would benefit his mega church in Burrville.

Neither idea was by itself enough of a hook to satisfy the unidentified investors, however.   

“Our investors decided that ‘Rocky Top’ would be a good theme that could take in everything. It’s an official state song. It’s the unofficial fight song for hundreds of thousands of Tennessee football and basketball fans and it’s a catchy little tune about home sweet home, moonshine and mountains that fits right in with the spirit of Varmint County,” the Reverend Doctor proclaimed.

“Our investors have agreed to pour all their money into this theme park if Pleasant View will change the town’s name to Rocky Top,” Reverend Prudhome added, “Oh, and give us the town’s lakeside park, which is the perfect location for a dinner theater, and the little league ball field, which is where we will build the water park. We’ll need additional parking too, but if you can move City Hall, this would be the perfect place for the parking lot.”

Mayor Verlin “Buck” Stonecipher spoke first. “Why, that would take half the town. Where would we move City Hall?”

“This town is drying up and blowing away, Mayor. If we don’t do something to bring in jobs and business, there won’t be a city hall in ten more years,” Buck Huggins chuckled.

“Hey, nothing else has worked,” Councilman Buck Wilkins added.

“We done changed the town’s name once. What’s in a name anyhow?” Cleotis “Buck” Barnwell asked.

To make a long story short, Pleasant View’s city fathers once again voted to change the town’s name, or at least ask the legislature to change the name to “Rocky Top” since such measures require a state law to be passed and signed by the Governor. Pleasant View requested that their state representative, Toony Pyles, sponsor the private act legislation in the House of Representatives.

Of course there would be a few bumps in the road before all was said and done, beginning with the predictable fallout from both the Eastern and Western Bands of the Cherokee Nation.

“What do these people have in mind, the Frozen Indian Child Tunnel of Love?” the principal Chief of the Western Cherokees asked in a letter to the editor of the Tulsa Star. “Perhaps you would prefer the Homeless Cherokee Corn Maze. Tourists could try to find their way to the Happy Hunting Ground without starving to death.”

The Tribal Council of the Eastern Band of Cherokees was more direct: “If you build it, we will come. And burn it to the ground. We won’t be scalping tickets, we’ll be scalping the ticket sellers.”

Chief Oscar Running Wolf Who Howls Little Creek announced that he regretted he would not be able to participate further in the Rocky Top venture due to health problems. He wished to keep his health, and his hair, intact.

The Nashville publishing house representing the songwriters who wrote “Rocky Top” were next, promising to sue everyone involved if the town infringed on their copyright.

“That’s not a problem, my investors can negotiate a settlement, I’m sure,” Reverend Paul Roy told the city council.

“Yeah, well right now we haven’t seen no investors, so it’s just us hanging out here on a limb,” Mayor Buck observed.

“The investors will come forward when you’ve shown good faith by changing the name. For business purposes, they must remain anonymous for now,” the Reverend explained.

Finally in late January, Toony’s bill to change Pleasant View to “Rocky Top” came up for a vote in the legislature.

“I don’t know. Rocky Top is kind of a generic name that could be anywhere in our state. Why should one little town have a corner on the name?” Representative Cornelius Craghead (R) – Pumpkinvine, asked.

“I move that we amend this bill to change the town’s name to Muddy Bottom. That would fit it better than Rocky Top,” Representative Chester Slick (D) - Little Egypt, added.

“I amend Representative Slick’s amendment to change the name to Rocky Topless. That fits even better, considering Representative Pyles had a bill last year to outlaw mountaintop strip mining,” Representative Cornelius Hustle (R) – Pall Mall, observed.

“Wait a minute. All these amendments are just causing confusion. Let’s remember that this town is counting on us to be serious about this,” Toony pleaded.

“That fits. A town that can’t make up its mind what it wants to be called. I move we amend this bill to change the name of Pleasant View to Confusion,” Cornelius Craghead cut in, to rolls of laughter and a chorus of “ayes” from his legislative colleagues.

And so, dear readers, the Town of Confusion (formerly Pleasant View), Tennessee was born.

A couple of weeks later, the boys around Doc Filstrup’s poker table were discussing Pleasant View’s troubles.

“I guess that’s the end of their ambitions to become the commercial hub of Varmint County,” Colonel Hugh Ray Jass observed.

“Yeah, who would be interested in a theme park located in a place called Confusion?” Retired Sheriff Smoky added. “I always suspected it was a come-on, that there weren’t any so-called investors anyway.”

“Boys, you’re wrong on both counts,” Lawyer Philbert McSwine announced. “I got a call from Reverend Prudhome today, asking me to draw up some legal papers changing the corporate name of the Rocky Top Marketing Corporation to Confusion Marketing, Inc.

Seems that all those anonymous investors were Chinese businessmen. They thought that changing the name to Confusion was done to honor the Chinese philosopher Confucius. They’ve all doubled their investments,” Lawyer McSwine laughed. “They plan to break ground in March on the Great Wall Water Slide, the Panda Bar & Grill and the Chairman Mao Dinner Theater!”